Elana and Robin welcome their colleague and friend, Lisa Litman, who in addition to being the Director of jkidphilly, is also a b’nai mitzvah tutor and has worked in Jewish education for many years. They talk about what the difference is between a bar or bat mitzvah and a b’nai mitzvah, what practices are part of it, and other little-known details about this Jewish coming-of-age ritual.

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Show Notes:

  • Vocabulary
    • Here are some words mentioned during this episode and their definitions:
      • Aramaic: a Semitic language, a Syrian dialect of which was used as a lingua franca in the Near East from the 6th century BC. It gradually replaced Hebrew as the language of the Jewish people in those areas and was itself supplanted by Arabic in the 7th century AD.
      • B’nai mitzvah: The plural of “bar mitzvah” is “b’nai mitzvah.” In our times, “b’nai mitzvah” can mean a ceremony for two or more people, the ceremony for someone who identifies as non-binary or gender-fluid/neutral, or as the generic term for both bar and bat mitzvah.
      • Drash: Sermon, interpretation of text.
      • Haftarah: a short reading from The Prophets, which follows the reading from the Torah on Sabbaths and festivals, and relates either to the theme of the Torah reading or to the observances of the day.
      • Minyan: a quorum of ten men (or in some synagogues, men and women) over the age of 13 required for traditional Jewish public worship.
      • Mitzvah: a precept or commandment; a good deed done from religious duty.
      • The Prophets: narratives that explain the history of Israel from the perspective of Israel’s fulfillment of God’s covenant.
      • Simchat mitzvah: The joy of doing the mitzvah.
      • Simchat Torah: a Jewish holiday that celebrates and marks the conclusion of the annual cycle of public Torah readings, and the beginning of a new cycle.
      • Tallit: A tallit is a fringed garment worn as a prayer shawl. 
  • Further Reading

Transcript:

Elana
Hey, Robin. 

Robin
Hey, Elana. Are you ready for this episode? It’s another one of those simple questions that’s actually huge. 

Elana
Sensing a bit of a pattern here.

Robin
Yeah, you mean the one where I think it’s a pretty easy question and you come in and tell me it’s way more complex? 

Elana
Yeah. That sounds about right. 

Robin
Okay. Yeah. Well. 

Elana
So let’s introduce ourselves and we can get right into it. 

Robin
Okay. I’m Robin Matthews, Jewish Learning Venture’s graphic designer and the director of PJ Our Way Engagement and jkidpride. 

Elana
And I’m Jewish Learning Venture’s CEO Elana Rivel, and we are the hosts of More Than 4, a blogcast that answers some of the questions people have about Judaism. And today, we are answering the question, what is a B’nai Mitzvah? 

Robin
Don’t you mean a bar mitzvah? 

Elana
No. 

Robin
Are you sure? 

Elana
I am. That’s just one of the ways we name this ritual. 

Robin
There’s more than one way to say, “bar mitzvah?” 

Elana
More than four, actually. 

Robin
Ohhhhhhhh.

So, today, we are answering the question, “what is a B’nai Mitzvah?” We have our own resident expert, director of jkidphilly, Lisa Litman.

Elana
Lisa, tell our listeners what makes you an expert on this subject. 

Robin
Yes, and then tell us why we keep calling it a b’nai mitzvah

Lisa
Oh, I’ll do all of those things. 

Robin
Oh, good. 

Lisa
Well, I’m an expert because I’m old. 

Robin
Sure, sure, sure. 

Lisa
And because I’ve been in Jewish education for a long time, and I’m also a B’nai Mitzvah tutor. Now, a Bar Mitzvah is what we’re used to hearing most, and it is an ancient language, Aramaic, which means “son of the mitzvah.” A mitzvah meaning commandment or good thing to do. 

Robin
So, mitzvah is Hebrew? 

Lisa
Mitzvah is Hebrew. 

Robin
Bar (son of) is Aramaic. 

Lisa
Right. But then we also know bat mitzvah, which is “daughter of”, and you know, that came around a little bit later. Let’s face it. Like the men were always first, boys were always first, but it was a coming of age ceremony. And it started a very long time ago, like (singing) in the year 500.

Robin
So it’s super gendered though, huh? Hebrew is a super, well, Hebrew and Aramaic, I guess, are super gendered languages. 

Lisa
They are. So we increased it to Bat Mitzvah, but now there’s so much more. B’nai Mitzvah…

Elana
So I have a twin brother and we had a B’nai Mitzvah

Robin
Because b’nai is plural. 

Elana
Because b’nai is plural and we did it together.

Robin
Now is b’nai — the plural — masculine? Is that also gendered? 

Lisa
Is b’nai gendered? I guess you would, I guess it is. Because there’s really… 

Robin
What would be two bat mitzvahs? Would it be b’not

Lisa
Bats! Bats mitzvah! 

Elana
Yes, it would be b’not

Robin
It’s b’not, right? 

Elana
Yes, it would be b’not

Robin
So we’re still, even though we’re using, even though I feel like we’ve heard b’nai mitzvah as a gender-neutral term, it actually is still gendered, right? 

Elana
Yes, but I think it does reflect the non-binary aspect. 

Lisa
But now there’s so many different ways of saying, you know, “coming of age ceremonies.” So there’s zera mitzvah, which is “the seed of a mitzvah.” 

Robin
I’ve never heard that. Have you? 

Lisa
Yeah, that’s kind of a new one. And there’s B. Mitzvah, where you don’t want to say either way. There’s Simchat Mitzvah, which is “the joy of doing the mitzvah.” 

Elana
Oh, I like that one. 

Robin
I like that one, too. Yeah. So, what is the actual mitzvah? Like, what are we doing here? 

Lisa
So this is, like I said, “coming of age” and it means you are really the age where you’re going to take on the yoke of adult responsibility.

Robin
At 13 years old? 

Elana
Joyous because we’re taking on “the yoke of responsibility.” (Laughter) 

Lisa
That’s right. That’s right. 

Elana
Seems like a little bit of a tension. 

Lisa
And usually on that one day, they do seem very adult, but then, don’t worry because the very next day they go back to being a kid. 

Robin
Oh, the very next day? Later that day! Later that day! My son was just bar mitzvahed last year, so it’s very fresh in my mind. 

Elana
Do we know where the whole age thing came into play? Like, why 13 and… 

Lisa
According to the oral tradition, age 13 for a young man is the age of maturity, it’s the age of responsibility, and for women it would be around age 12. But you have to remember that back in the day, at age 13 you really did have some serious responsibilities. 

Robin
Right, there’s a lot of joking about, “you’re 13, you’re an adult now,” which is so far from the truth.

Lisa
Yes, exactly. 

Robin
So what are they, what are they doing, like, again, what are they doing? Like, what makes it —

Lisa
Okay. So in a traditional bar or bat mitzvah, b’nai mitzvah, simchat bat — that’s also one — you lead some prayers. You might learn some part of the Torah. You might also read from the Haftarah, which is a reading from The Prophets. You might give a drash, which is a little speech, a little something that explains the Torah. And some people also would just learn something about being Jewish. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a traditional synagogue service. There can also just be a ceremony of your own making. And a lot of people do a project that’s like a social action kind of project, or a mitzvah project. And when we talk about that mitzvah, it’s really about helping others and doing good deeds. 

Elana
Isn’t it also…you don’t have to do anything?

Robin
I was just going to say, like, it happens, right? 

Elana
It sort of happens to you when you turn the age, because now it really is..ritualistic expectations, right? Because what happens is you become Bar or Bat mitzvah…b’nai mitzvah…

Robin
B mitzvah… 

Elana
Right? And now within the congregational life or within ritual life, you are taking on those responsibilities. You can count for a minyan, right, for the prayer —

Robin
Because there’s things you can’t do when you’re not an adult, right? Like you can’t read from the Torah before you’re 13. 

Elana
You can.

Robin
Oh, you can? 

Elana
Well, you can’t recite the blessing.

Lisa
Right. You can’t have an aliyah

Robin
…an aliyah. Right. Can you carry the Torah before you’re 13? 

Lisa
Well, that depends on your community. So, technically —

Robin
Yeah. Because I know this year at Simchat Torah, this is the first time my son was allowed to carry it around.

Elana
But you’re not supposed to fast. If you’re not of age. 

Lisa
You’re not required to.

Elana
Right.

Lisa
Actually this idea of a ritual ceremony really goes back centuries. And even for women in ancient Roman times, there was a coming of age ceremony. It wasn’t called a bat mitzvah, but there was, for Jewish women, a coming of age ceremony.

Robin
And were girls allowed to read from the Torah or, or say blessings? 

Lisa
No, oh my goodness. That’s new. No, that’s very new. 

Robin
How recent do you think? 

Lisa
Well, it was Mordechai Kaplan, who was a Reconstructionist rabbi, who wanted to have a bat mitzvah for his daughter, and he thought it wasn’t fair, and that was quite some time ago.

Elana
I think it was in the 1980s. 

Robin
Just the 80s?

Elana
I think so. So I, so I mentioned earlier…

Lisa
Well his daughter, Judith became a bat mitzvah in 1922. 

Elana
Oh, okay. But it really didn’t become popular. So my bat mitzvah was 1984, my b’nai mitzvah with my twin brother. I was the first girl to wear a kippah and a tallit on the bimah.

Lisa
Wow.

Robin
In your synagogue?

Elana
In my synagogue,which was a traditional conservative affiliated congregation. I was not allowed to read Torah and the only reason I could stand there for the blessings was because it was my brother.

Lisa
For your brother.

Elana
So he did the blessing and chanted Torah; I was able to do the blessings and the haftarah. But not for the Torah.

Robin
So I grew up in an ultra-reform congregation and girls were definitely being bat mitzvahed. My bat mitzvah was in 1987 But even earlier, like when my brother had his, girls were doing it also and they were reading from the Torah. So I think it depends on also where you were.

Elana
Yeah. Yeah. 

Lisa
I did not have a traditional bat mitzvah. Mine was on a Friday evening in our synagogue. It was on a Friday evening I was the first and only girl who was allowed to have one by herself and lead a lot of the prayers. And I read haftarah, but I wasn’t allowed to say blessings.

Robin
What’s haftarah?

Lisa
Haftarah are readings from The Prophets. And they come from a time when we were not allowed to publicly read Torah. So we found something that was in The Prophets that related to what we thought was in the Torah portion. And we would read that. 

Robin
So at a sort of traditional b’nai mitzvah now, you would read from the Torah and also from the haftarah.

Lisa
Yes, if you were able. I mean there are many ceremonies now for children who might have reading challenges or inability to learn Hebrew and there are also ways to include them in having a ceremony that might not.

Robin
So there’s a lot of flexibility in how you celebrate this ritual, that it doesn’t have to be in a synagogue, and Elana you were saying it just happens to you, so even if you do nothing, you’re still considered—

Elana
That’s right. You’re still considered of age. Again, it’s the communal recognition and the ritual, right? We’re so much a religion of ritual and tradition and so there’s that piece of it. Certainly the party is a whole other—

Robin
I was just gonna say. So many of my friends who were not Jewish at the time of my bat mitzvah were like, “I just thought it was a big party.” And they came and they were like, “what’s all this?” Before the party. 

Elana
Right.

Robin
But yeah, so there’s usually a big party or can be a big party. 

Lisa
There can be. I remember when my oldest daughter became b’nai mitzvah, I created her invitations and we went to the store and the woman asked who was doing my calligraphy and I said, “Well, I’m just gonna put labels on it.” She was like, “Labels? That’s just horrible.” And then she said, “Oh, are you one of those people who thinks the ceremony is more important than the party?” Yes, I was one of those people. 

Robin
So, did you really put labels on your, on your —

Lisa
Yes, they were clear.

Robin
I totally didn’t. 

Elana
Our joke was about the theme, which has become a thing. It has to have a theme and my kids would say, “what’s the theme?” And I said, “Bar Mitzvah!” Or, “You!” Right? You’re the theme. You’re the theme!

Robin
Just like there’s so many ways to celebrate it, right? There’s so many ways to party.I know that there are plenty of kids who don’t want a big, I mean, the traditional bar mitzvah party is a DJ or a band and dancing and a dinner and a whole thing.

Lisa
Oh my goodness.

Robin
That was what I had. That’s what my brother had. That is not what my kid had.

Lisa
No. It doesn’t matter. And sometimes the party is geared towards the family, like a celebratory meal. That’s very popular in many traditional families. And sometimes it’s just for the child and maybe a few adults are there. It definitely should be a family choice there. 

Robin
Yeah. And, and you don’t have to have a party at all, right? Right. Like you said, it’s really about what works for the family and a way to mark the time. A lot of families will do a trip to — some people go to Israel as a family or— 

Elana
My parents took my kids on a trip for their b’nai mitzvah, like as the gift, right, which is also like a nice tradition. They did it with all of their grandchildren, that sort of post-b’nai mitzvah.

Robin
I remember my parents saying to me…my brother had to go to Hebrew school, I did not. I mean, I went; they started me in kindergarten and I was like, “uh, I hate this.” And they were like, “all right, cool.” And I never had to go. And my brother went and he had his bar mitzvah and they said to me when I was 12 or 11 and a half, “you can have a bat mitzvah or you can just have a party for your birthday. You can choose.” And I chose a bat mitzvah, which then meant I had to be tutored and get through the whole thing. And I was tutored by the rabbi’s son for a long time. But yeah, it was, I think it’s cause I was a girl, which is fine. You know, I grew up in a pretty feminist family, but they were like, yeah, you know, whatevs. I mean, my mother didn’t have one at that time. 

Elana
Robin, tell us about your mom choosing to have a bat mitzvah.

Robin
You know, it’s funny. It’s funny. I think I’ve mentioned before that I, you know, wasn’t super religious or super traditional growing up, so I’ve become much more invested in Judaism, much more involved as I’ve gotten older. And I haven’t really talked to her about it since then, like with more understanding because I was probably in my early twenties when she did it. But I think she was like in, you know, she was, they were a very big part of our congregation. Empty nesters, really, and she and a bunch of friends started talking and they were like, “you know, I never did it, I never did it, I never did it.” And they all decided that they wanted to, and there were, I don’t know, maybe ten of them, eight of them? And the rabbi was like, “cool, let’s make it happen.” And they had a joint ceremony and a joint, like, luncheon afterwards, and yeah, it was really, really nice. 

Elana
Yeah, not so unpopular, right, in congregations to offer that for women and some men, but more often women who didn’t because of the time, you know, have—

Lisa
Also like the second bar or bat mitzvah or b’nai…

Robin
You do it again?

Lisa
Yes! When you become 83, because a life is 70 years according to ancient Jewish tradition. And so when you turn 83—

Robin
You’re 13 again! Interesting. I never heard of that. That’s kind of cool. I wonder if my mother would do it again. And it’s really interesting, the age too, like when you think about, you know, we’ve all, we’ve all had young teenagers at this point, and they’re doing this really personal thing, right? And this, It’s not a totally usual thing. Not everyone has a bunch of Jewish friends at 13 and they’re doing this pretty publicly in front of their friends, like all their friends pretty much. And I think that can be, some kids love that and some kids don’t, but that’s an interesting thing to think about that. It’s like, I’m going to share this very sort of personal part of my family and tradition with, at 13 years old when you’re like the most aware of your peers and what your peers are doing, wanting to be just like your peers.

Elana
So about 25 years ago when Birthright Israel had just started, I was working at Penn State Hillel and we were sending a delegation of students on Birthright Israel. 

Robin
Birthright is a, is a …

Elana
It’s a free trip to Israel for 18 to 26 year olds. So we had to interview everybody who applied because we had a limited number of spots and one of the questions we asked was, “Tell us about one of your strongest Jewish memories,” and I would say 90% of them talk about their bar mitzvah, kind of like what you’re talking about. The idea, you know, of being up in public and speaking because most people, as you mentioned Lisa, are giving some sort of learning or d’var torah or drash, right, for others to learn. And they have to sing, potentially, and maybe they can’t sing or they love to sing, right? And the experience of being in front of the community is meaningful for so many people, that that was the number one thing that people talked about. 

Robin
And Lisa, when you mentioned kids sort of acting an adult that day, I feel like that does sort of elevate, especially at that age, which is such a—

Lisa
Well, you were talking about that age and sharing so much of who you are and being vulnerable. And I love the tradition of having a talit. You wear it for the first time when you become ‘b’nai mitzvah and a lot of kids now are choosing something that’s meaningful for them, for the talit. Often you start the service with something that was passed down from a grandparent, but then your talit becomes very much associated with who you are and the design, the color, what’s on it, how you feel, the size of it. It’s another personal expression of the way you think about who you are. 

Robin
I obviously knew what a b’nai mitzvah was coming into this, right? Like I mean, but I learned a lot more. So that’s kind of cool. Let’s just tell our listeners all the ways they can send in their questions. There’s actually four ways.

Elana
Only four? 

Robin
No. We’re not going there again. 

Elana
All right, all right. If you have a question about Judaism, and no question is too big or too small, let us know. Send us an email at morethan4, using the number 4, @ jewishlearningventure.org. Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/jlearnventure or reply in a comment wherever you found this podcast linked: Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook.

Robin
All right, well, until the next episode…

Elana
See ya.

Robin
See ya.